stevegrogers | inbox.

[ Rolling over in bed, Steve startled a little when his device rang, alerting him to someone contacting him. Reaching for it, he pressed the little button and waited for the other person to say something.

Oh.

Bucky.

Contacted him - Willingly. His entire face broke out into a smile as he quickly sat up. ]

Sure am. What's up? You sound - a little breathless. [ Did Bucky honestly think Steve wouldn't notice? Steve happened to have a sixth sense when it came to Bucky, after all. Plus, he tended to think danger first off when anyone contacted him.

That might be a little sad. ]

[I need help. Is that really such a hard thing to say? It's why he called, he can't get his arms with enough wiggle room to lift the debris himself, and he can't stay here all night or even the bastardised serum he has won't stop him bleeding out in a few hours.

But for some reason he doesn't say it. Steve sounds so happy to hear from him, he can almost see the dumb grin on his face.]

I'm fine.

[...]

I remembered some things about you, about me.

[ Bullshit; he wanted to put out there but they were still trying to find their footing with one another. The way they teased one another might not be among what Bucky already recalled. It could make him turn the other way and Steve really couldn't stand that so he held his tongue.

It lasted all of ten seconds. ]

Then you might remember that I know when you're holding back. What's going on?

[ Slipping from the bed, he already pulled on his shoes and grabbed for a shirt to put on over his tank top. ]

What do you remember?

That you're a punk.

[It just kind of slips out in minor irritation that Steve apparently already knows everything that's going on. But it feels right in a way, comfortable, like this is an old routine that he just has to relearn the dance steps for.

There's a moment of hesitation before he tells the truth, saying it without any trace of pain or fear, like this is something that happens every day.]

Fell through a building, can't get the debris off.

[No biggie.]

You say the sweetest things to me, jerk.

[ The fondness is overly apparent in his voice but he couldn't hold it back if he tried. Bucky always mattered to him and he couldn't just pretend otherwise, which explained why he already left the building and walked outside.

FELL THROUGH A BUILDING?

Of course, Bucky would hold back from saying that first off. Stubborn idiot. ]

Where's the warehouse? I'll come, okay?

[ Heart pounding for a different direction, he started off in the way he knew a few warehouses were because hopefully Bucky had wandered off there. ]

You really need to pick better lairs, Buck.

[Maybe it's the fog of pain helping him let his guard down, but it feels right when Steve teases him. All the things he's learned, all the snatches of memory that he keeps getting back, it all confirms that Steve is and always has been his best friend. He just doesn't feel a whole lot like the guy Steve deserves to have watching his six, not any more.

He gives the address of a little abandoned warehouse to the west of the city, the faded sign says it used to make shoes once upon a time.]

...you know they have an exhibit about you at the Smithsonian?

[Of course he knows. Someone must have told him, it's not the sort of thing that flies under the radar.]

I went.

[Easier to talk than focus on the pain, it's either that or fall back on the strategies that the Soldier had been taught to deal with 'malfunction' during a mission.]

[ Once Bucky gave the address, Steve moved quickly through the city, only stopping in his trek to purchase rope, a backpack, a first aid kit, some water bottles and a few protein bars. He doubted Bucky had been taking good care of himself and at least this way he knew he'd have something for a right now.

They'd work on the future. ]

Oh yeah, someone told me about it. I went and saw it. They really - gave me too much credit. You were featured too, Buck.

[ Almost there. Had he started running? Maybe.

When he arrived, he had to blink a few times to adjust to the sudden darkness but he managed to take in the hole before he too fell in.

Two stupid soldiers stuck in a hole wouldn't be a great way to spend a night. Grabbing for the rope, he secured it before he started towards the hole in question. ]

You know, Buck, when people say I've fallen for you, usually they don't mean it literally. [ Still teasing, mostly to make Bucky eyeroll him and focus on that rather than the pain he must be in.

He inched closer, dropping carefully into the hole. Technically, he didn't need the rope but doubted Bucky would allow him to carry him completely out of the hole. The rope would help there. ]

Before I start moving this - is anything piercing you, Buck? I don't want to make you bleed out worse.

[There's not a whole lot of Bucky visible under the debris other than his face, one hand, and his phone awkwardly held as close as he can get it to his ear. At least he can drop that now that Steve is here. Aside from some paleness and sweat at his brow, nothing in his expression says he's in pain at all.]

Yeah, think part of a girder went through me.

[It hurts like hell, but it doesn't help anything to moan about it.

It's oddly good to see Steve, like it's always been this way, with them helping one another out of a fix. It's almost like a reverse of seeing him sink in the Potomac.]

If you get it off me, I can stitch myself up. I've done it before.

[ The words were probably supposed to be some form of a reassurance but they only made Steve's heart sink further in his chest. It drove the point home even further of Bucky being mostly on his own, refusing to drift too close to anyone else. Something Steve rather refused to accept because everyone needed someone to be there for them, especially Bucky, who went through actual living hell for far too long.

Moving forward carefully in case there were any other unstable portions, Steve quickly regarded Bucky before nodding his head once and then twice. He started to grab for the debris to move it, shifting it all into a corner out of the way. When he came to the bit actually piercing Bucky, his breath sputtered a little. Of course, Bucky downplayed the seriousness of it. So much blood met his eyes as he pulled it away and dropped it somewhere away from them. ]

You're not going to move and I'm going to go get the first aid kit I brought. [ The stern look on his face didn't let up as he hurriedly left the hole and retrieved the backpack he should have brought with him from the start. He used the rope to ease himself back down, unzipping the backpack to pull out the first aid kit. ]

This is going to really hurt, Buck. [ He wanted to suggest a doctor but already knew Bucky would refuse it. At least, he learned some first aid during the war. ]

[Only the tiniest noise of pain escapes him when Steve pulls the debris piercing him out of his body, leaving ragged flesh and seeping blood behind. For just a moment he's somewhere else, a different time, and that blond hair and blue eyes is someone completely different.

Russian words are on the tip of his tongue before he swallows them back forcefully, the present swimming back into focus in his mind slowly. He's in Quarantine, Steve is helping him, it's fine.]

You don't have to do this.

[Steve's done enough and this is obviously not pleasant for him.]

I can patch myself up, I've had worse.

[He goes to pull up to his feet, but his knees buckle and he ends up sprawled in an undignified heap at Steve's feet.]

[ The most unimpressed look filled Steve's face but it quickly morphed into concern when Bucky tried to get up. The guy never listened, it seemed time hadn't changed some thing at all. Dropping down onto his knees, he set the first aid kit beside him with a shake of his head. If only Bucky accepted help easier and sought him out more frequently. ]

I haven't done nearly enough, now stay still before you bleed out and we have a bigger issue

[ Flipping open the lid, he snatched for some wipes to clean off the wounds before he attempted any stitching. ]

Brace yourself, Buck. And don't move much. Want a rag to bite down on?

[He doesn't bother arguing any more, just letting Steve rip apart his top so that he can clean up the area and start stitching. His eyes glaze over a bit, but he doesn't make any indication he's in pain.]

No.

[It's immediate and emphatic. He never wants that again, it's too reminiscent of the reprogramming chamber, or the maintenance done on him with HYDRA, where he had that bit to bite down on and nothing more.]

Just talk to me instead, tell me about all the friends you must'a made.

[ Not having any other arguments should have relieved him bit I'm a day it troubled him more, a sort of flashback to the details he read about in Bucky's file. None of them had a completed view but he knew better than to think Bucky would ever fill in the blanks. With a nod of his head, he ripped open Bucky's shirt and started carefully cleaning the wound. ]

Weren't really friends at first but that's changed. I mean were just fellow Avengers.

[ As he talked, he continued with fixing up the wound. ]

There's Sam. He's amazing and has really great taste in music. He's always there no matter what. Wanda - we've been able to really relate to each other and she means a lot to me. Natasha never asks questions and never judges. Tony - well things are complicated usually with us but he matters to me.

But you - no one could or will ever take your place, Bucky.

[It hurts a hell of a lot, even with how careful Steve is being, but he doesn't show it. For all the change to his expression and voice, Steve might as well not even be touching him.]

You're chasing a goddamn dead man, Steve.

[It's so frustrating, so touching. It makes him angry and want to cry at the same time.]

All of those memories that make it so Bucky Barnes can't be replaced, I don't have them. I can't be that guy.

[ Better to be chasing than running away like when he first woke up from the ice and tried to leave behind everything that hurt. Being without Bucky had nearly ended him, both from the grief and the sheer amount of guilt because he did all of it. Bucky suffered all because of his impulsive need to be the perfect captain who made everything okay again. If he failed, he let down everyone and everything.

Silence fell on his end until he finished with the wound. ]

You're alive. That's all that matters - it's everything, Bucky. You don't need those memories, you don't need to do or be anything. If you're safe and okay that's all I need.

[ For a moment, he looked down. ] I'm not that same guy from those memories. I've - you wouldn't look at me the same. That guy from the memories, I'm not him either.

[Is it everything? Would it be everything if he told Steve to leave him alone for the rest of their lives, to just take comfort in the fact he was alive? He doesn't know and it tangles him up inside.

He moves almost as soon as the wound is stitched properly, though it tugs on his stomach and side dreadfully to do so. He just needs to put a few steps between them and this overwhelming sensation that always seems to come over him when Steve is near.]

You're the reason I'm still alive.

[He didn't mean to say it, but it comes out anyway.]

Why else would I still have fought to be free even when I didn't remember my own name?

[ Hurt curled up within him as Bucky retreated at the first available opportunity but it didn't really surprise him. He needed to remember the man before him still had a mess to work through and so much to come to terms with.

Packing things up, he paused at the confession, practically freezing up. Oh. ]

However you want me to be here for you is what I'll do. We said till the end of the line and I meant it.

I'm still here because of you. Kept getting back up again to honor your memory. To --

[His eyes flick up, finally meeting Steve's properly, dark and intense and sad.]

I've remembered more about you than I have about me. I know your Mom's name and your birthday and what your favourite dessert was, but I don't remember the names of any of my sisters or when I was born.

I don't know what that means, and it scares me.

[ Could a heart really leap out of someone's chest because Steve felt like it just might the more Bucky confessed to him. It took a his willpower to not close the distance and promise to do better and not fail him again.

The broken look on Bucky's face - he caused that.

It was all his fault.

What could he say? There were so many thought in his head and yet. ]

You - always focused a lot on me before the war and - we were all each other had. I know you better than I know myself. Always have. I never make sense but you always do. It never mattered what happened I had you and I guess I mattered more to you than --

[ Emotional exhaustion clung to him, mingling with the residual panic of losing Bucky again. ]

[Mattered more to him than himself? He already figured that out, how else could it be that it had been Steve to break him out of the programming? Not his own well being, not his own morals, not any of his other victims... Steve.

He scrubs a hand over his face, filthy with blood and dust, and takes a wobbly step back.]

I can't do this yet.

[Yet. Maybe in the future, maybe he's not saying never any more.]

Thanks... for saving my life.

inbox.

@s.rogers

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject