stevegrogers | inbox.

you people keep telling me that making choices is so important. that i get to direct my own destiny. and then everyone goes and sets up a shrink without asking me what i want? that hurts, steve.

i'm in central park. by the big fountain. come find me.

[ Buck will deal with the others later. Right now, Steve's reasons for doing this are the only ones that matter. ]

I want to do right by you, Buck.
But what you've been through -
I just don't want to make it worse.
People who know this stuff know what to do and what to say.
If you're blacking out and not knowing what is happening, Buck, you need help.

Okay.

[ heaving out a sigh, he pushed himself up, pocketed his phone and headed out to find bucky. when he arrived at the fountain, he ducked his head a little, having the good sense to look sheepish. ]

I'm sorry. I just want you to be okay, whatever that means and whatever I got to do to make it happen.

[ he nearly let the entire world burn just for bucky's safety so really he didn't have many limits when it came to the other man. ]

It still has to be my choice, Steve.

[ He waits, patiently, content to watch people milling around, picking out the ones SHIELD has set to watch him. Picking out the ones from other ... interests. This is too public a place for a kidnap. Which is why he chose it.

When Steve gets there, he just looks up at him. ]

Yeah, I noticed. I ain't overly fond of doctors. You of all people should understand that.

I do, Buck, but I also understand you being safe. I get you don't like doctors, we've dealt with enough of them through our lives but I just got you back. I can't -

[ He cut off with a shake of his head, hands resting lightly on his hips. Talking about his fears wouldn't really help matters much. ]

They wanted to get a viewpoint of your case. No one has broken through programming like you've managed to. It connects to me somehow. They were trying to see where they can even start with helping you.

[ Bucky just reaches up to grab an arm and tug Steve down next to him. Shoulder to shoulder, knee to knee. Like before the fall. ]

Of course it had something to do with you. Beneath all the torture, all the wipes, all the killing. I knew you. Steve, you ain't gonna lose me. Not if I have any say.

But you gotta understand, doctor means pain. I need to get past that on my own. Or...

[ he could end up seriously injuring whoever they want to observe. ]

[ Steve allowed Bucky to pull him down but the troubled look remained on his face. ]

If you don't - deal with all of this, Bucky, I will.

[ He looked off into the crowds for a moment before turning his attention back towards Bucky. ]

I know, pal, I know that's why the doctors have been evaluating and telling me what could help. What I can do. Your case is different from most and I know you don't want to hurt anyone but I don't want to hurt you either. I - this is - I just want to help.

[ He stiffens, hands dropping and curling into loose fists against his thighs. Tension underscores Bucky's voice when he finds his voice again. ]

You'll deal with this? With me? How.

[ He can't think past that; images of SHIELD cells and abuse mingling with memories of Hydra cells and torture. People sticking him with needles full of unknown drugs. Would Steve deal by handing him over for god knows what. ]

[ The reaction confused him at first until things sunk in more. He shook his head quickly, reaching out to squeeze Bucky's human arm. ]

By being here with you, Buck. Helping you through things until you're ready for more direct help. It's not a rush. I just want you safe.

[ He let out a deep sigh, looking down for a moment. ]

No one is ever going to hurt you again. I won't let anyone control you or turn you back into a weapon. You've got to believe that, Buck. It's you and me. We're in this together and anything you need, I'll be there. I'll take some of the weight from you. That's what I meant.

You can't promise that, Steve. [ His voice is still quiet, but less shaky. ] Hydra will come for me, they won't let their prize weapon stay in ...

[ Bucky trails off for a moment, steadying himself. Breathing in and out slowly until his right hand isn't twitching. Eventually, he straightens up a little, attention drifting back to the here and now. To his sole remaining friend. ]

I ain't going back. I'll throw myself into a fucking volcano first. [ Slow breath in, then release. ] Just ... don't leave. Not unless, I mean you can if you want. But I want you here. With me.

If that's okay.

[ Spoken with the wary tone of a man who is still learning having wants is okay. ]

[ There weren't many things Steve feared after all he had been through, especially since waking up from being iced over but losing Bucky struck right into his heart. It terrified him and he knew he couldn't withstand losing Bucky for a second time. ]

I can promise it. No one is gonna hurt you again, jerk. They can try but they're going to fail. [ He reached over to squeeze Bucky's human arm, trying to convey the things he couldn't easily put into words. ] You've got a lot of other people who will go to bat for you. It's not just me but you got me. You got me till you're sick of me.

[ He gave a tiny smile, bumping Bucky's shoulder lightly. ]

Till the end of the line, pal.

If this includes us being together now, do you wanna run some errands with me or will that be too many people around?

I don't get it, [ Steve he gets. Steve has always been like this, stepping up to the plate for anyone being bullied. But Bucky isn't. He's just had the misfortune to be a Hydra assassin for ... well, for a long time. You'd think everyone other than Steve would just want him put down. ] Why would other people go to bat for me?

[ He automatically bumps back, with his left shoulder this time. As much as he hates the thing, it'd been a part of him since 1945. The worst thing Bucky can do is shy away from it. It's his, just like all the bloodshed. ]

To the end of the line. [ He echoes, then reaches up to ruffle Steve's hair. ] And I'd never get sick of you, punk.

I could try running errands. See how things go.

[ While the others were wary about Bucky at first, they trusted his instincts and once they realised the truth they wanted to help him. No one should be used against their will and most of them knew what it felt like all too well. ] They know you don't deserve to be used. You deserve freedom as much as the rest of us.

[ Heart squeezing, Steve offered Bucky a smile small, leaning into the touch for a moment. ] We'll take it slow, okay? If you feel uneasy at any time let me know and we'll leave.

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