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[He doesn't bother arguing any more, just letting Steve rip apart his top so that he can clean up the area and start stitching. His eyes glaze over a bit, but he doesn't make any indication he's in pain.]

No.

[It's immediate and emphatic. He never wants that again, it's too reminiscent of the reprogramming chamber, or the maintenance done on him with HYDRA, where he had that bit to bite down on and nothing more.]

Just talk to me instead, tell me about all the friends you must'a made.

[ Not having any other arguments should have relieved him bit I'm a day it troubled him more, a sort of flashback to the details he read about in Bucky's file. None of them had a completed view but he knew better than to think Bucky would ever fill in the blanks. With a nod of his head, he ripped open Bucky's shirt and started carefully cleaning the wound. ]

Weren't really friends at first but that's changed. I mean were just fellow Avengers.

[ As he talked, he continued with fixing up the wound. ]

There's Sam. He's amazing and has really great taste in music. He's always there no matter what. Wanda - we've been able to really relate to each other and she means a lot to me. Natasha never asks questions and never judges. Tony - well things are complicated usually with us but he matters to me.

But you - no one could or will ever take your place, Bucky.

[It hurts a hell of a lot, even with how careful Steve is being, but he doesn't show it. For all the change to his expression and voice, Steve might as well not even be touching him.]

You're chasing a goddamn dead man, Steve.

[It's so frustrating, so touching. It makes him angry and want to cry at the same time.]

All of those memories that make it so Bucky Barnes can't be replaced, I don't have them. I can't be that guy.

[ Better to be chasing than running away like when he first woke up from the ice and tried to leave behind everything that hurt. Being without Bucky had nearly ended him, both from the grief and the sheer amount of guilt because he did all of it. Bucky suffered all because of his impulsive need to be the perfect captain who made everything okay again. If he failed, he let down everyone and everything.

Silence fell on his end until he finished with the wound. ]

You're alive. That's all that matters - it's everything, Bucky. You don't need those memories, you don't need to do or be anything. If you're safe and okay that's all I need.

[ For a moment, he looked down. ] I'm not that same guy from those memories. I've - you wouldn't look at me the same. That guy from the memories, I'm not him either.

[Is it everything? Would it be everything if he told Steve to leave him alone for the rest of their lives, to just take comfort in the fact he was alive? He doesn't know and it tangles him up inside.

He moves almost as soon as the wound is stitched properly, though it tugs on his stomach and side dreadfully to do so. He just needs to put a few steps between them and this overwhelming sensation that always seems to come over him when Steve is near.]

You're the reason I'm still alive.

[He didn't mean to say it, but it comes out anyway.]

Why else would I still have fought to be free even when I didn't remember my own name?

[ Hurt curled up within him as Bucky retreated at the first available opportunity but it didn't really surprise him. He needed to remember the man before him still had a mess to work through and so much to come to terms with.

Packing things up, he paused at the confession, practically freezing up. Oh. ]

However you want me to be here for you is what I'll do. We said till the end of the line and I meant it.

I'm still here because of you. Kept getting back up again to honor your memory. To --

[His eyes flick up, finally meeting Steve's properly, dark and intense and sad.]

I've remembered more about you than I have about me. I know your Mom's name and your birthday and what your favourite dessert was, but I don't remember the names of any of my sisters or when I was born.

I don't know what that means, and it scares me.

[ Could a heart really leap out of someone's chest because Steve felt like it just might the more Bucky confessed to him. It took a his willpower to not close the distance and promise to do better and not fail him again.

The broken look on Bucky's face - he caused that.

It was all his fault.

What could he say? There were so many thought in his head and yet. ]

You - always focused a lot on me before the war and - we were all each other had. I know you better than I know myself. Always have. I never make sense but you always do. It never mattered what happened I had you and I guess I mattered more to you than --

[ Emotional exhaustion clung to him, mingling with the residual panic of losing Bucky again. ]

[Mattered more to him than himself? He already figured that out, how else could it be that it had been Steve to break him out of the programming? Not his own well being, not his own morals, not any of his other victims... Steve.

He scrubs a hand over his face, filthy with blood and dust, and takes a wobbly step back.]

I can't do this yet.

[Yet. Maybe in the future, maybe he's not saying never any more.]

Thanks... for saving my life.

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