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[ continued from x ]

[ a shipping container. must be from somewhere within the two years Steve tried to find him, then. but never quite managed it, proving the whole ghost theory to be a true one. with a nod of his head, he took a shift backwards to make Bucky more comfortable with some distance. ]

I saw a lot of the world in those two years, Buck. I wish I could have helped make it easier for you.

But now I know why I could never get a solid lead on your whereabouts.

It's only been five months for me.

[Which might explain just why he's still so skittish. There's a long road to go before he reaches the place that some of the others have told him about.]

If you found me, it wouldn't have been easier. I had to do that on my own.

[ Five months - so early after leaving HYDRA. Bucky's attitude made a lot more sense but it didn't hurt any less. ]

I could have helped protect you, Bucky, there were a lot of people after both of us. But they don't seem to be here. You're safer here, Buck.

It wasn't about protection, Steve. I can protect myself.

[That, at least, is one thing he's expert at. Not many people could get the drop on him with the training he's had.]

I needed to figure out who I was, and I couldn't do that with you muddying the waters.

[ Muddying the waters. Ouch. But he kept the pain the words caused off his face because being sensitive over anything wouldn't help. If only Bucky understood being safe would have made it easier to puzzle things out without having to always look over his shoulder. ]

I could have helped but didn't have to stay around you, Bucky. [ He shook his head with a sigh. ] But I get it. You want to do it on your own.

No, Steve, I didn't want to, I needed to.

[It comes out as slightly more of a snap this time.]

I had HYDRA telling me one thing, and you telling me another, I needed to work out the truth without any outside influences. I wasn't going to be someone else's puppet.

[Not that Steve would make him a puppet, but the point is there. He needed to find the impartial truth, not Steve's biased memories.]

[ Swallowing down any of the hurt or snappy retorts of his own, he only nodded his head. He needed to remember this Bucky hadn't been away from HYDRA very long. There were bound to be a lot of conflicting memories, feelings and attitudes. He couldn't take it personally. ]

Do you still feel that way? You want me to stay away from you? [ No use beating around the bush with it, especially when Bucky practically alluded with it. ]

[His gut instinct is to say yes, but that's not entirely true any more. He's wary, though, what if Steve vanishes again? He still doesn't know why he went back through the portal last time.]

...maybe not forever.

[So that's a yes, but with a hope that it might change.]

[ Looking down for a moment, he felt his heart squeeze but yet again he tried to not take it too personally. How could he not, though? For so long, he only had Bucky in his life and finding the man again changed everything. Bucky happened to be the only real connection he had to himself and the protectiveness wouldn't just go away. Neither would anything else. ]

I'll try but if you're in trouble, I won't make any promises about staying away.

If you did, you'd only break 'em.

[At least he knows Steve, or thinks he does, well enough now to remember that. The man is stubborn as a mule and he just can't sit aside if he thinks someone is in danger or suffering, no matter the consequences.]

[ A very tiny smile pulled at his lips and he had the good sense to at least look a little sheepish. ]

What can I say - it's one of my gifts.

[ More like a stubborn curse by any other standards but perseverance had served him well, mostly. ]

And you do end up in danger a lot.

[He doesn't quite smile back, but there's a slight lightening of his expression.]

Seems to be one of my gifts.

[He takes a step back.]

I should go.

[ Heart beating a little faster, he had to use all his willpower to not reach out. ]

Oh - okay. Of course.

[ He took his own little step back, eyes looking a little less sparkling. ]

I'll see you around, Buck. Take care of yourself, okay?

Bye, Steve.

[It's more final than 'see you around'. It doesn't stop the small twist of guilt as he backs up and then turns to walk away.

Damn it, somehow Steve can always get under his skin.]

[ Despite every instinct telling him otherwise, Steve just stayed rooted to the spot and watched Bucky walk away from him.

Feeling the pain of loss all over again.

It made him wonder sometimes why everyone found it so easy to walk away from him in the end. ]

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